[a small light in the darkness]

I am struggling right now.

I was marching to the wrong drum
With the wrong scum
Pissing out the wrong energy
Using all the wrong lines
And the wrong signs
With the wrong intensity
I was on the wrong page of the wrong book
With the wrong rendition of the wrong look
With the wrong moon, every wrong night
With the wrong tune playing till it sounded right

I don’t expect it to rear up in the Summertime.
I don’t expect the dead feeling. Or the pain. Or the confusion at feeling these ways.

You know what sucks? Running a business that you depend on to pay your bills when you feel like this. Also, it sucks to know that I’m being a terrible friend and peer while it’s going on, because it’s so hard to follow through with anything. I have no motivation, no oomph, no drive, no desire for much of anything but trying to feel better.

I counted it as a great victory that I managed to get up and walk around the block tonight. I did have a strong drive to go do that, and I walked at a fast pace up the hill and through the dusky evening, looking at all the houses that I usually see from the car as I pass by. That felt good. But it was met by a rousing chorus of ennui when I came back in.

Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down.

That’s the ride I’m on right now. Sometimes, everything’s fine. Sometimes, everything’s GREAT. But the crash is inevitable, usually made worse the higher the high is. And if someone offers advice about the crash, that makes it worse. Or if people make a big fuss about it. Or if I think about it too much at all. But I can’t ignore it, that’ll make it worse, too.

Really, you can’t win when you’re in the grip of this.

Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down.

I have some A M A Z I N G  things happening in my life right now. That has NOTHING to do with why I feel this way. Nothing is really wrong. I mean, money’s tight, like it always is at this time of year in the Fiber Arts world. There’s some stressful stuff, in that way that I have to be clever and patient until I figure it out or get through it. But nothing catastrophic, nothing terrible. I’m okay. Just not inside my head, and not inside my soul. Those parts are all fucked up right now. And I just have to ride it out. I have to get through this too, and it’s all about patience and not a bit will cleverness help.

Trust me, I am so, so tired of having to be patient.

So no, nothing tragic happening here. No horrible thing, nothing so drastic that people should worry. Just me struggling with my brain chemistry and feeling guilty because it makes me so much less the person I like to be. I feel like I let all of YOU down when I’m like this, which of course makes me feel so much worse. I hate to let anyone down. I hate to not feel dependable. And admitting all this is really hard, but of course this is something I’m known for now, my blistering self-revealing honesty. There you go, you get it all, in the name of letting other people who feel this way that they’re not alone. Go me, I guess I do something right. I hope.

Yep. That’s my thought process right now in a nutshell. The girl who doesn’t care what others think, the girl who is fearless, the girl who dares… she’s on vacation right now.

• If you’re sensitive to things like crashing cars and accidents and stuff, don’t watch this video.

Mirrored from xiane dot org.

Funny enough, despite the clinical depression, which waxes and wanes but never completely goes away, I’m happy.
Despite the spectres of my past, and the uncertainty of the future, I’m happy.
Despite getting angry with the government, and our Apathy Culture here in the US, and despite having to fight against the mistaken idea that there is a meritocracy by people who more often than not are struggling and won’t see that there’s something wrong with the idea of working one’s ass off to barely get by… I’m happy.

Weary, oh so drearily, we wave our flags into the camera.
It’s Amber goes the hotline, we’re all friends but no one ever answers

Sad, but true—the truth can turn your smile to a frown.
So what’s the use, dear Jenny? Anyway, the world is pretty
upside-down…
Dresden Dolls, Dear Jenny

Just because I’m happy, that doesn’t mean that I should stop advocating for those who are still in abusive situations.
Just because I’m happy, that doesn’t mean that I should stop promoting justice and equality.
Just because I’m happy, that doesn’t mean that I should settle for status quo.
Just because I’m happy, that doesn’t mean that I should stop talking about what I’ve been through.

Why? Because that’s the point. I want you to know that you can get here, too. I want you to know that, no matter what’s happened to you, you’re not alone. I want you to feel that you CAN speak about what you have experienced, what you are working through, what you feel – without getting shut down by people who all too often are afraid to look at their own souls.

I’m not dwelling. I’m not wallowing. I’m taking action. I’m inviting you to take action.

People heal on their own terms. People fight for change on their own terms.
Don’t let anyone push you into thinking that your way is less than their own.

Mirrored from xiane dot org.

I am not here for you.

I can do many things for you. I can help you up, help you out, give you a hand.
I can listen, I can advise.
I can hold your hand, rub your back, cut your hair, lift you up.
I can give you a ride if you need it.
I can sit by your side in support at the doctor’s office or lawyer’s office or police station.
I can compliment you if you need it. I can criticize you if you need that.
I can love you.

But I am not here FOR you. I am here for me.

I am here to fulfill my destiny, whatever that may be.
I am here to dance under the moonlight and take hikes in the rain.
I am here to laugh and cry and dream and work and sleep.
I am here to do the things that I am able and willing to do, and I’m aware that these things aren’t always mutual.

I am here to live. I am here to love. And I will do these things in the way that is right for ME.

What about you? Will you do the same?

I attended a teleclass tonight. That’s the sort of thing I’ve been doing a lot of lately, because I’ve discovered a distressing fact: I’m regressing.

What do I mean by regressing? Well, let’s put it this way. When I was a teen, I was a hot-mess-mix of self-assured/headstrong/brave and submissive/wanting to please/afraid. I spent my time waffling between wanting to take on every thing the world had to offer and being afraid of hurting those who loved me and had certain ideas and expectations about how I was supposed to live.

When I met Rob L, things suddenly came into focus for me, with his help and belief in me. I realized that I spent too much time trying to please others, while all the while I was betraying myself. He woke me up and showed me that even if *he* wasn’t there to believe in me, I should believe in myself, because I am powerful and smart.

And then we broke up… and those lessons slowly wore off. I was hurting, and scared, and I had a ton of baggage from the abuse and alienation in my childhood. I let these things take over. I let myself believe that I wasn’t worth anything. My depression whispered in my brain:
“You are nothing. You will never be enough. You will never be happy.”

I’ve talked about this fall from grace before. I went to live in Ocean City, drank and drugged too much, came close to killing myself several times. Came home completely demoralized, fell into a relationship with Angry Rob that lasted much too long and worked very hard to destroy the rest of me. After that, more relationships with men who cheated, didn’t value me as they should have – as I should have demanded that my lovers value me.

And then I got therapy and meds, and slowly I’ve been stitching myself back together. And Rob L and I re-found each other, two broken people who both forgot what he had taught me… and now we’re working on learning how to love with an open heart once again.

The teleclass, A Girl’s Guide To Falling In Love With Your Life, was hosted by Jo Anna Rothman, who heads the marvelous Receiving Project. I suspect that although she addressed it to “girls” – anyone could benefit. I know that I did.

She wanted to know this: What am I willing to let go of so that I can really fall in love with my life?

I’m releasing my guilt. I can only be me. I can be nothing else.

I’m letting go of my anger. It’s not your fault if you want me to be something else. That’s what you were taught, too. I think you’re good enough. Can you let me be good enough, too? If you can’t, it’s okay, because I know this:

I am good enough for ME.

And if I have to keep telling myself over and over until I go beyond just believing it and have it in my bones and my brain and my soul, that’s okay, too.

It’s all okay.

Mirrored from xiane dot org.

I’m alive, even though the status of my blog has been questionable at best. Moving it? Yep. It’s coming. I’ve already moved the Threeravens blog/site – this one is next on the list. Keep tuned for updates on how that’s going.

I’ve been sleeping in totally weird bursts of time. It makes me feel disjointed.

Mostly, I’ve been in a self-imposed social blackout, for regrouping and mental health reasons. I’m shuffling back into regular rotation now, never fear.

And one quick hit –

From this amazingly accurate post on Depression and what it does:

Chronic depression is a cancer of the personality. It eats your personality and replaces you with itself; the more you experience intense depression in others, the more you realize that The Depressed Person is always some variant of the same personality; whereas healthy people are infinitely diverse, The Depressed Person is always recognizable. Depression is insidious, so that your loved ones may not realize that you are being slowly erased and replaced by something that is not you.

I recommend reading the whole post, from http://ewin.livejournal.com/1332469.html.

Mirrored from ...what's a xiane?.

And she is not good or bad
Oh, but she wants all she could have
Your soul’s familiar call
This is it… I am and
It’s not like me
[Claire Voyant - not like me]

My silence is equal to my lack of passion. I am adrift in a sea of “I don’t care” and “I’m too tired” and “It doesn’t matter” - but it does matter and I do care, I’m just too tired and pained to admit it or do anything about it.

Depression is embarrassing. It’s humiliating to admit that I don’t have the drive to finish anything, that all I do seems to be sit around on my ass and think of nothing, or dream wistfully about the things I’d like to be accomplishing, if only I had the passion, the energy, the stamina, the will.

And people look at me and see a “healthy” person, which I can’t blame them for - and they wonder why I can’t just shake this off and get to doing… obviously it should be that easy. Just make yourself motivate, Xi.

It isn’t. I wish it was.

I went to NYC recently. For most of the time I was there, I was energized, more than I have been in ages. I came home full of hope, ideas, thoughts.
I know that living here takes away some of that zest for life… no sidewalks, no bustling creative energies, no ever-changing wall of humanity to observe. I barely even have friends here. And of course, I’ve been becoming more isolated again, but that’s a side effect of the depression, too, that need to cut myself off from everything. It hurts me to be open like that - physically hurts. That stupid Cymbalta commercial about depression hurting? I really wish it wasn’t true. I get an ache inside, like someone was slowly squeezing my heart and lungs. My bones ache. I feel weak and ineffective.

What’s worse is that I hate hate hate talking about it, admitting it, telling people just what’s going on and how I feel. Like I said, it’s embarrassing… and I know that so many people discount these feelings. I understand it, and I wish I didn’t sound so whiny and weak. But I guess the only other options would be to either fake that everything is fine, or stop talking again. And I am tired of not communicating. I know that hurts my friends and family, too… and there’s enough hurt going on already without that.

And you might tell me the truth
And I might be reminded of you
In everything I see and that I feel
You might be…

Mirrored from ...what's a xiane?.