(no subject)
26 January 2002 23:23![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
xianeRevelations = not fun. I guess I wasn't really surprised; it never has been that fun for me to go there, regardless of where it has been held, but I was hoping that the allure of going to a nightclub that I have no responsibility towards would negate some of the unpleasantness that I alwas suffer when I go there. It really isn't SO horrible, but I just never seem to have FUN there. And to top it off, the new space had the smallest dancefloor I've ever seen - I'm really not exaggerating. I stayed on it for about half of Bella Morte's set, and then I had to vacate - the fans were set to blow all the smoke downwards, so it all settled right into my eyes in a terribly unpleasant fashion. Enjoyed hanging out with Randy and Liam and Will Rat Bastard, though... we all went to the 4th St Diner afterwards and sat around talking about music and nightclub mafia until I thought I would collapse. *grin*
The drive home was also pleasant, although I was in a bit of a down mood, which spiralled into straight-on depression by the time I went to bed. I managed to leave the night that The Dawning is actually on off of the flyers, and I felt like a total fuck-up to the point that it dragged me down horribly. I am so hard on myself, holding myself to a really high standard that I know I probably can't live up to... I just can't help it. I need to have things as perfect as I can make them, and really hate to fail. I just felt stupid for the rest of the night.
I need to learn to relax somehow. I think that's a large chunk of my problem - I'm so wound up that all the little things slip through the cracks. And I'm getting resentful that people who are supposed to care about me don't do more; that's not the way I need to go with this. It isn't their fault that I'm so hung-up.
More than anything, I need a few dreams to come true. I need someone to tell me that I'm important to them. I need attention. Sounds demanding or dependent... but I can't keep fueling myself from within. My fuel is almost run dry.
The drive home was also pleasant, although I was in a bit of a down mood, which spiralled into straight-on depression by the time I went to bed. I managed to leave the night that The Dawning is actually on off of the flyers, and I felt like a total fuck-up to the point that it dragged me down horribly. I am so hard on myself, holding myself to a really high standard that I know I probably can't live up to... I just can't help it. I need to have things as perfect as I can make them, and really hate to fail. I just felt stupid for the rest of the night.
I need to learn to relax somehow. I think that's a large chunk of my problem - I'm so wound up that all the little things slip through the cracks. And I'm getting resentful that people who are supposed to care about me don't do more; that's not the way I need to go with this. It isn't their fault that I'm so hung-up.
More than anything, I need a few dreams to come true. I need someone to tell me that I'm important to them. I need attention. Sounds demanding or dependent... but I can't keep fueling myself from within. My fuel is almost run dry.
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no subject
2002-01-28 05:51 (UTC)