Gathering in our sun caught colors / fall together when we can into one

[xiane]

I’m no apostle.

 

 

I’m sitting in the dark of my bedroom, listening to the rain and this Siddal track as it spills out what’s in my heart at the moment… Like it always does… and I’m thinking about how perception is so subjective.

What seems reasonable can change wildly, dependent on circumstances. A night can be the longest space of time known to man if there’s something desperately wanted that dangles on the end of that length of time, just a fingertip’s length out of reach. But when the long-waited for event is happening, it may zoom past the one in the midst of it as if time had magically accelerated.

And that variance on what seems reasonable can extend to communication, and expectations, and obligations… it’s all so malleable, depending on whom is observing. It’s the place from where most of our interpersonal conflicts stem. It’s the hardest trick of perception to catch. We are inclined to bias either on our own behalf or totally the other direction. And if you’re like me, someone who has a relatively calm exterior but a very anxious undercurrent, this is one of your worst pitfalls – you immediately think the worst. You – I – immediately go to the negative spin, out of worry. “I said I like fish, and she said she likes fish, but she ordered a burger. I either misunderstood or I’ve done something wrong.” No, dummy – maybe she just wanted something other than fish, even if that’s her favorite food. Overreaction? Oh yeah. I know it after the fact. Just not in that moment. That’s not an easy barrier of perception to break in the moment, though I’m getting better at talking myself down.

 

That’s the trick. I need to talk myself down when I go there. Point out to myself the most reasonable answers to why something is going a certain way – which, most of the time, is that it is actually not even happening the way I think it is while I’m panicking. I am letting anxiety talk.

I used to ruin good things that way, by letting anxiety take over. I think I’m getting better at pushing through that now. I just try to remember that I am an extremely patient person when I need to be, and that I can draw on that to WAIT before acting. That includes keeping my mouth shut sometimes, to let things unfold on their own. It’s a tough call to make – when to let it ride, when to speak up. Patience is the key.

 

would you take my hand once more
journey through that distant door
if I gave you kisses three
would you close your eyes?
entwined are we, entangled souls
our Garden watered by our tears
nocturnal dances, flowers strewn
for what we could not leave to die

No good ever comes out of posting late at night.

Or maybe I’ve got that backwards, says the girl listening to the rain, alone in the dark.

Mirrored from xiane dot org.