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xianeAs far as life experience goes: Time is never "wasted."
There's a lesson in every moment.
I used to think that I'd wasted 9 years of my life, living with Angry Rob. The situation was volatile, and I spent a lot of my time hiding, denying myself friendship and events. I blamed him for this [he did make it difficult, especially when he would threaten the people I wanted to spend time with] - but I now own the fact that I am just as guilty as him in it, that I allowed the situation to exist.
If I hadn't spent that time being dominated, I wouldn't have gained the strength of will that I have now. I came into that relationship a broken girl, unable to deal with problems I carried around that even now I'm still repairing... no one should *have* to go through what I did, but no one but me could change it, either.
In addition to gaining strength, I also discovered my ability to reach out through letters, writing, art. I shared very fulfilling relationships through my writing and my self-published 'zine. I discovered that I could manage creative projects really well.
Once I got brave enough to escape from that place, I was angry with myself for "wasting so much time" in it. This in turn drove me to jump on some of the dreams that I'd been carrying with me. I came out of my shell more, decided I wanted to finally try fronting a band again - and we did well! The Violet Dawning did a lot to heal my soul. I was able to sing about the things I'd dreamed of, the things that had hurt me, the strength I was gaining. I learned to accept compliments, to shine in the spotlight. And I managed to get involved with The Dawning... and eventually take over management of it, to my great joy. I even gained a tremendously fulfilling radio show, showcasing the music I loved the most.
I achieved the goals I'd set myself long, long ago. I finally felt successful.
Would I have found that without the strife I'd gone through beforehand? There's no way to tell, but knowing me, I suspect not. Everything rolls out like a road behind and before me, and I can look back and see how each step I took led to that point.
Being here, of course, was a fork I'd not expected, but even still the time I'm spending here "in stasis" as I call it, has been beneficial. I was worn down. I needed to replenish my soul. I've gained some amazing friends who make me feel like they feel as lucky to have found me as I do to have them. I still have all my wonderful friends from Cville, too, and they never cease to amaze and astound and delight me. I am taking a breather before I step out in a totally new direction, and this is also good.
Change.
It is, and it is scary and delightful and desired and feared and unavoidable. I might as well embrace it.
Time can be the enemy, or just a way to measure changes.
I would rather embrace the things it brings me with as much grace as I can muster... because it will come no matter what. I want to meet it with all my strength of will and a positive stance.
There's a lesson in every moment.
I used to think that I'd wasted 9 years of my life, living with Angry Rob. The situation was volatile, and I spent a lot of my time hiding, denying myself friendship and events. I blamed him for this [he did make it difficult, especially when he would threaten the people I wanted to spend time with] - but I now own the fact that I am just as guilty as him in it, that I allowed the situation to exist.
If I hadn't spent that time being dominated, I wouldn't have gained the strength of will that I have now. I came into that relationship a broken girl, unable to deal with problems I carried around that even now I'm still repairing... no one should *have* to go through what I did, but no one but me could change it, either.
In addition to gaining strength, I also discovered my ability to reach out through letters, writing, art. I shared very fulfilling relationships through my writing and my self-published 'zine. I discovered that I could manage creative projects really well.
Once I got brave enough to escape from that place, I was angry with myself for "wasting so much time" in it. This in turn drove me to jump on some of the dreams that I'd been carrying with me. I came out of my shell more, decided I wanted to finally try fronting a band again - and we did well! The Violet Dawning did a lot to heal my soul. I was able to sing about the things I'd dreamed of, the things that had hurt me, the strength I was gaining. I learned to accept compliments, to shine in the spotlight. And I managed to get involved with The Dawning... and eventually take over management of it, to my great joy. I even gained a tremendously fulfilling radio show, showcasing the music I loved the most.
I achieved the goals I'd set myself long, long ago. I finally felt successful.
Would I have found that without the strife I'd gone through beforehand? There's no way to tell, but knowing me, I suspect not. Everything rolls out like a road behind and before me, and I can look back and see how each step I took led to that point.
Being here, of course, was a fork I'd not expected, but even still the time I'm spending here "in stasis" as I call it, has been beneficial. I was worn down. I needed to replenish my soul. I've gained some amazing friends who make me feel like they feel as lucky to have found me as I do to have them. I still have all my wonderful friends from Cville, too, and they never cease to amaze and astound and delight me. I am taking a breather before I step out in a totally new direction, and this is also good.
Change.
It is, and it is scary and delightful and desired and feared and unavoidable. I might as well embrace it.
Time can be the enemy, or just a way to measure changes.
I would rather embrace the things it brings me with as much grace as I can muster... because it will come no matter what. I want to meet it with all my strength of will and a positive stance.
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no subject
2005-09-10 21:27 (UTC)and nowadays, the pain is a gift ...
no subject
2005-09-10 22:24 (UTC)Thanks for your words, they're always appreciated and remind me of how fortunate I am to have the strength and happiness I've made for myself.
no subject
2005-09-11 02:05 (UTC)