(no subject)
30 November 2001 00:32![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
xianeQuietly. Secretly. Lonely.
I shut myself off from the rest of them, and wonder why I get nostalgic and empty-feeling. I don't feel like I belong, though. I want something I can't have [don't I always] and I don't really know what that thing is. I haven't felt empty like this in a while. I haven't felt unaccepted or unneeded or removed in some time - until recently. Lately I feel like no one understands me, and they all have some sort of contempt for me that isn't revealed directly in my presence but is heavily apparent. Lately I feel like there are things going on behind the scenes, so to speak - that are related to me but don't involve me. I don't know why. I don't know if there's any basis in reality. I don't know anything. If Maschine was here I'd discuss this in detail - Maschine is one of the few that seems to have genuine interest in me and what I think. Of course, I'm sure there's ulterior motive there, too. Maschine and Cesare probably sit around and laugh about me, my fascination with Maschine, my attempts to do good, etc etc etc. Stompy has been trying [it seems] to be rather pleasant, but even that doesn't reassure me. Bah. I sound paranoid, but there really is SOMETHING there, I swear. Even if it doesn't sound plausible.
I hate feeling this way.
I shut myself off from the rest of them, and wonder why I get nostalgic and empty-feeling. I don't feel like I belong, though. I want something I can't have [don't I always] and I don't really know what that thing is. I haven't felt empty like this in a while. I haven't felt unaccepted or unneeded or removed in some time - until recently. Lately I feel like no one understands me, and they all have some sort of contempt for me that isn't revealed directly in my presence but is heavily apparent. Lately I feel like there are things going on behind the scenes, so to speak - that are related to me but don't involve me. I don't know why. I don't know if there's any basis in reality. I don't know anything. If Maschine was here I'd discuss this in detail - Maschine is one of the few that seems to have genuine interest in me and what I think. Of course, I'm sure there's ulterior motive there, too. Maschine and Cesare probably sit around and laugh about me, my fascination with Maschine, my attempts to do good, etc etc etc. Stompy has been trying [it seems] to be rather pleasant, but even that doesn't reassure me. Bah. I sound paranoid, but there really is SOMETHING there, I swear. Even if it doesn't sound plausible.
I hate feeling this way.
