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xianeI am tired. I am so very tired of feeling like this - swinging between utter joy in many aspects that life offers me, and the crushing letdown of the people and events that my life is made up from. I have to find a way to let this go [at least to some degree] and relax.
I've always had problems relaxing; I was a very stressed out child and things haven't changed since then. No child should have to feel that way as much as I did, I swear. It seems that I've grown used to it, and when things start to get managable, I start to add more things to my already full plate, just to create a level of pressure that I'm used to. Big problems for me: I like the feeling of worth that getting things accomplished gives me. I like recognition, especially for "thankless" tasks. I have low self-esteem. I have a need to be indispensible. I am a bit of a pushover in that I'm often too nice. I have terribly high standards for myself and I expect others to at least try to live up to them, too.
I will brood on things that I think I've done wrong until I make myself sick over them. That's pretty much how I ended up with shingles a few years ago - I get so emotional and intense that I made myself ill.
I need to find a way to deal with this crap that doesn't wreck me. I've been trying to speak up more when people frustrate me, and I'm trying to step away when I know I've reached my limit on things. The big thing right now is stress management. How do I do this? More fun is definitely in order, but there are so very few people I actually want to spend time with, and doing things by myself has been the motif of so much of my life that it just doesn't fit the bill of "having fun" anymore. And what things should I do? Heh, I can feel the stress building up even as I mull this over. Talk about sabotaging oneself. Woo.
I also need to assess who needs to be cut back on with involvement in my life. Funny thing is, a lot of the people who I never thought would be [a. interested in my doings and/or b. pleasant to spend a lot of time with] have become rather important cogs in the machinery of my universe. I'd like to add more of their involvement to my life, but I'm unsure how to achieve it. And some of the people who I've been surrounded with under the guise of friends... well, I want them out. Maybe not all the way out, but taken into the background for a bit. I find that they seem to be exibiting characteristics that make me either pissed off or disgusted. I'm tired of selfishness, negativity, self-absorbedness, low moral character, and pettiness. And I'm also really frustrated by the idea that someone [perhaps more than one] is obsessed and jealous of the idea that some people have that I'm so great [and that by extension, they are being compared and lacking in that comparison]...
Firstly: I never said I was great. I never claimed anything at all about myself. I'm just me. I try to be a good person. Sometimes I fail. Sometimes I'd like to think I succeed. Overall, I'm human, and I probably have faults and merits in a regular sort of balance. I'm more aware of my faults than you might think, and in fact probably more so than you are - I live with them every day.
Secondly: It isn't my fault that people think that I'm great, if indeed they even do. People will think whatever they want. One would hope that they base their conclusions on solid evidence, but that's no guarantee that they will.
Thirdly: If people are comparing you unfavourably to anyone else, perhaps you should look at what YOU'RE doing to get that conclusion, rather than trying to pick apart the character of the person who is being weighed against you.
Yeah. Okay, I've ranted. I think I feel a little better now. Well... for now.
I've always had problems relaxing; I was a very stressed out child and things haven't changed since then. No child should have to feel that way as much as I did, I swear. It seems that I've grown used to it, and when things start to get managable, I start to add more things to my already full plate, just to create a level of pressure that I'm used to. Big problems for me: I like the feeling of worth that getting things accomplished gives me. I like recognition, especially for "thankless" tasks. I have low self-esteem. I have a need to be indispensible. I am a bit of a pushover in that I'm often too nice. I have terribly high standards for myself and I expect others to at least try to live up to them, too.
I will brood on things that I think I've done wrong until I make myself sick over them. That's pretty much how I ended up with shingles a few years ago - I get so emotional and intense that I made myself ill.
I need to find a way to deal with this crap that doesn't wreck me. I've been trying to speak up more when people frustrate me, and I'm trying to step away when I know I've reached my limit on things. The big thing right now is stress management. How do I do this? More fun is definitely in order, but there are so very few people I actually want to spend time with, and doing things by myself has been the motif of so much of my life that it just doesn't fit the bill of "having fun" anymore. And what things should I do? Heh, I can feel the stress building up even as I mull this over. Talk about sabotaging oneself. Woo.
I also need to assess who needs to be cut back on with involvement in my life. Funny thing is, a lot of the people who I never thought would be [a. interested in my doings and/or b. pleasant to spend a lot of time with] have become rather important cogs in the machinery of my universe. I'd like to add more of their involvement to my life, but I'm unsure how to achieve it. And some of the people who I've been surrounded with under the guise of friends... well, I want them out. Maybe not all the way out, but taken into the background for a bit. I find that they seem to be exibiting characteristics that make me either pissed off or disgusted. I'm tired of selfishness, negativity, self-absorbedness, low moral character, and pettiness. And I'm also really frustrated by the idea that someone [perhaps more than one] is obsessed and jealous of the idea that some people have that I'm so great [and that by extension, they are being compared and lacking in that comparison]...
Firstly: I never said I was great. I never claimed anything at all about myself. I'm just me. I try to be a good person. Sometimes I fail. Sometimes I'd like to think I succeed. Overall, I'm human, and I probably have faults and merits in a regular sort of balance. I'm more aware of my faults than you might think, and in fact probably more so than you are - I live with them every day.
Secondly: It isn't my fault that people think that I'm great, if indeed they even do. People will think whatever they want. One would hope that they base their conclusions on solid evidence, but that's no guarantee that they will.
Thirdly: If people are comparing you unfavourably to anyone else, perhaps you should look at what YOU'RE doing to get that conclusion, rather than trying to pick apart the character of the person who is being weighed against you.
Yeah. Okay, I've ranted. I think I feel a little better now. Well... for now.
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Joy Electric!
2001-10-31 20:36 (UTC)Joy Electric! Oh my god! I thought I was the only person who actually listened to them. Wow. For those who don't know, Joy Electric is this Christian Synth-pop band who only use analog synths like mini-moogs and what-not. They don't even use drum machines, they play all of the drums on their synths. "Monosynth" is on the Land Of Misfits EP, which is great.