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[exploration]
5 February 2002 19:05[confusion always haunts me]
I don't know why. In some ways, I'm more together than many people I could name. Yet, I have no direction for many aspects of my life, and I have the nerve to be dissatisfied with things that are no worse than some might suffer. I am a walking anomaly. I don't feel old, and I'm not, really. Yet I often catch myself referring to things that happened twenty years ago as if they were a moment ago, and my mortality flashes in my mind like a lightening bolt of doom. [yes, very vividly dramatic. I can take a moment to mock my own pretensions] I'm scared, but I try to be brave. I'm confused, but I try to keep thinking on my feet. I'm lonely, but I keep reaching out.
[perhaps I'm just a fool]
Perpetual optimist, even if my world-view is a bit tarnished at this point... I don't know how NOT to keep getting up when things knock me to my knees. I wish sometimes that I COULD stop. It gets wearing, this whole looking to the bright side of things. And what's worse, people start to expect it of you, hold you to your own self-image to the point that when you *just don't want to do it anymore, just for a freakin' moment* - well, you get reviled. Hoist with your own petard, capt'n. You made this prison for yourself, and god forbid you try to break out now, fool.
[lonely is as lonely does]
So I guess this entry is rather self-serving, as most people will look at it and mutter to themselves about how I should stop whining or something, and welcome to your doom. Well, that's fine with me, as - believe it or not - I actually do write in here for myself first and foremost. So there. What I'm exploring here isn't a wallow in self-pity [although it might seem that way; read up a few lines and take appropriate action from there], but rather a search for WHY I feel this way and what can be done. I'm tired of not having fun. I'm afraid of squandering my life to bad feelings and people who take me for granted. I don't want to waste myself. You should consider this, as well: Are you wasting yourself? Do you respect what you do every day? Do you feel dragged down by your life and the things you see around you?
[why aren't you doing something about it?]
I don't know why. In some ways, I'm more together than many people I could name. Yet, I have no direction for many aspects of my life, and I have the nerve to be dissatisfied with things that are no worse than some might suffer. I am a walking anomaly. I don't feel old, and I'm not, really. Yet I often catch myself referring to things that happened twenty years ago as if they were a moment ago, and my mortality flashes in my mind like a lightening bolt of doom. [yes, very vividly dramatic. I can take a moment to mock my own pretensions] I'm scared, but I try to be brave. I'm confused, but I try to keep thinking on my feet. I'm lonely, but I keep reaching out.
[perhaps I'm just a fool]
Perpetual optimist, even if my world-view is a bit tarnished at this point... I don't know how NOT to keep getting up when things knock me to my knees. I wish sometimes that I COULD stop. It gets wearing, this whole looking to the bright side of things. And what's worse, people start to expect it of you, hold you to your own self-image to the point that when you *just don't want to do it anymore, just for a freakin' moment* - well, you get reviled. Hoist with your own petard, capt'n. You made this prison for yourself, and god forbid you try to break out now, fool.
[lonely is as lonely does]
So I guess this entry is rather self-serving, as most people will look at it and mutter to themselves about how I should stop whining or something, and welcome to your doom. Well, that's fine with me, as - believe it or not - I actually do write in here for myself first and foremost. So there. What I'm exploring here isn't a wallow in self-pity [although it might seem that way; read up a few lines and take appropriate action from there], but rather a search for WHY I feel this way and what can be done. I'm tired of not having fun. I'm afraid of squandering my life to bad feelings and people who take me for granted. I don't want to waste myself. You should consider this, as well: Are you wasting yourself? Do you respect what you do every day? Do you feel dragged down by your life and the things you see around you?
[why aren't you doing something about it?]
