code name fever.

I feel... weird.

Up and down, confused, nostalgic, needy, and dreamy. An odd mix of emotions, to say the least. I've been dwelling in the past a bit tonight, contemplating various scenarios and comparing them to present times... and it makes for some very confused thoughts in this little head.
On one hand, I'm very secure in what and who I am. I like this life I have, despite some minor problems, and I wouldn't trade it in.
On the other, there are a few... situations/trains of thought/people ... who have sent me into a tizzy. Not even so much a "what if" question, more of a "hmmm. that's interesting"... and then my brain starts sketching out all the possibilities, almost as if to amuse itself. And I sit here under my brain's direction, watching the pictures it paints me go by, and I get all wobbly.

confusion:
[the knight] sent me an email out of the blue, many years later. He was vanquished with much effort from my heart, a long time ago. I don't feel the same way that I did then, but I am definitely startled, to say the least. Who knows what will be said there.
[maschine] I didn't think I would care so much. Could be bad. I'm a vulnerable person. Was I wrong? Did I read things the wrong way?
[collective] They hurt my feelings. They shouldn't. I don't belong anywhere. I'm a matter of convenience for them.
[king of angst] held my hand today. That was weird. A ghost of a friendship. I miss the way things were. Everything's different.
[turncoat] sent the boy some money that was owed. Half. Send the other half then go far far away, okay? Someone I NEVER want to see again. Yeah.

I'm sure there are more, but my brain has turned to mush.
I'm tired. Time to sleep? Maybe.