xiane: ([yarn goddess])

nerves of terra wm


Today is my 49th birthday.

I don’t feel like I should be having birthday #49.

I feel much younger; the years don’t feel like they’re piled that high. I’m grateful for that. I’m grateful for the changes and the knowledge and the trials and the love and the pain and the laughter. All those things have contributed to what I’ve learned and the new paths I’m taking.

Life is scary, and hard.

Life is exhilarating, and beautiful.

Every treasured face that has stayed on my road with me, and every new face that I’m still learning… thank you for being here. Thank you to those who have moved on, you taught me so much.

See, that’s the biggest gift that birthdays bring: lessons. A way to mark what you’ve learned, how you’ve grown over time. People sometimes ask me if I got what I wanted for my birthday, and the answer is always. I always get exactly what I wanted, as long as I’m not afraid to look deeply within to find that gift inside me.

2015 was very, very tough. But even now, in the depths of winter [even though winter this year so far is more like spring, where I am!] there is the promise of what will come… the chance to bloom.




*if you ever saw my band The Violet Dawning perform, you might have seen me sing this, a capella, perhaps as an encore. It is a song that has meant the world to me for so, so many years. I hope it speaks to you.

Mirrored from xiane.dot.org.

xiane: ([yarn goddess])

Almost the end of the year. And by Xiane reckoning, it’s the beginning of my new year – my birthday. Every year marks the start of the New Girl birthing from the Old Girl of the year before – the one I am leaving behind. It’s my way of giving myself permission every year to start over the things I’ve screwed up, and keep the parts that I think I’m okay with.

I’m currently looking over my mistakes with a mind to do better. I’m thinking about what I want to learn or investigate as something to add to my life. I’m realizing how lonely I am and trying to find ways to change that. And I’m working towards becoming a better me, because I’m not happy with a lot of 2014 me.

My birthday gift for Xiane is giving myself permission to take care of myself and get myself what I need.


inner writer


One of the things that I need is to focus more on my writing. I am pretty sure I know where my “inner writer” is [hello] but a little workshop with prompts, and a directed focus on writing for a week, is not a terrible thing to get involved with. So I’m trying this Winter Writing Workshop that’s being hosted by Do What You Love, and I’ll try and post what I write here, if I feel like sharing. You can join if you want, too – the link is here: http://dowhatyouloveforlife.com/www/



hearts xi


At some point I want to talk about a bunch of things: how taking selfies is a form of therapy for me… what it’s like to be a self-driven creative type who lives without much of a safety net and how that’s both terrifying and incredibly freeing… trying to navigate the confusing waters of being a 48 year old woman who isn’t good at following rules about what I’m supposed to wear, like, and be… and other topics that have been kicking around in my head.

There are some things that at some point I’ll have to address here, like how it feels to be left behind by people you loved, and how vulnerability sometimes will make you want to turn into a raging asshole who never lets anyone close to you again… but let’s be realistic – you know me. That’s never going to happen, I’ll never shut people out. I’d shrivel up and die. I need people. I need that closeness, that sort of love – which is why, precisely, that I’m so lonely lately. I don’t have many in that inner circle right now, and the ones that are in are very far away. That needs to change. I need my cabal. I need those who can treasure me as I treasure them. That’s what powers my soul.


So yes. Happy Birthday to me. To the one you left behind.

Mirrored from xiane.dot.org.

January 2016

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