xiane: ([yarn goddess])



They offer things that sound so good, too good to be true.

Those things: they are. It’s a lie. It’s a bait and switch. It’s preying on dreams and hopes and trust and honesty.

Promises almost kept
Everything that you once said
Seems to be just a lie

I am a vital woman, full of life and love and energy and creativity and excitement. I deserve better than lies and broken promises and runarounds and bullshit. So I’m not tolerating it. You? You shouldn’t either.

It’s all about setting a higher standard, because we deserve better than what a segment of the world will offer if allowed. I’m not here to fulfill a fantasy or an urge or a quota. I’m not here to entertain you. I’m not here to make you feel good, or give your life meaning.

I mean, I might serve those purposes in your life, but that’s coincidental. It’s not why I’m here. And it’s not why you’re here, either. It’s all about being awesome on your own, so that we can share and enhance each others’ lives without pretense and greediness and expectations – because we can trust that we’re all interested in being as good to those we care about as we are to ourselves.

And if you aren’t interested in being as good to me as you are to yourself? Well, then I don’t wanna. Let’s just not.

This is a face that wants you to be honest and true.
This is a face that wants you to be honest and true.



Let’s be excellent to each other, shall we? The payoff is AMAZING.


Underneath the veil
I saw a stirring
Underneath the veil



Mirrored from xiane.dot.org.

xiane: ([short hair])
I was called self-righteous today, under the guise of "some people in Baltimore" - well, I know full well that I am who was referred to [unless my fiance was meant, which would be a grave mistake of location, although we share the same views on this subject] and I am unafraid of such pejoratives.
The definition of "self-righteous" as put forth by Merriam-Webster:
convinced of one's own righteousness especially in contrast with the actions and beliefs of others : narrow-mindedly moralistic.

No, keeping company with hate-mongers doesn't make you one. Joining communities that support hateful ideologies doesn't condemn you. Putting the two together doesn't make your case look so good, however. Adding the communities after spending a great deal of time with the aforementioned haters? Doesn't look so good.
You don't have to prove anything to me. I'm just some girl. Then again, I must have quite some power if my words of condemnation for the company one keeps would drive one to steer clear of Baltimore.
Is it that I'm powerful?
Or is it that my questioning hit home?
I mean, it's public knowledge that I'm leaving here soon, and I'm pretty sure that last I checked, I didn't speak for everyone in this city. So why would someone flee when I pointed the questioning finger at them?

No one wants to be called hateful, I suppose. But there's an easy remedy for this: DON'T KEEP COMPANY WITH THOSE WHO SPREAD THAT DOCTRINE. Aligning yourself with jingoists gives them your tacit consent and approval. That's a slippery slope that only leads to bad situations, as history's proved before.

How can you not recognize hatred? I'm saddened to think that people are fooled by such evil rhetoric.

So how far will *you* go for righteousness? What do you allow or disallow in your life? I've talked to several people about this so far this week; the consensus so far has been that silence equals consent and that keeping quiet about hatred allows it to grow. Do you agree with this? Do you think that "live and let live" means keeping silent when those of your circle choose alliances that feel negative to you? Do you speak out? Do you cut them off, or take it farther and tell everyone what you are doing, to whom and why? Do you discuss it with them, or just walk away quietly? Do you shrug and say, "Such is the way of the world?"

All comments screened, both for honesty and privacy. I'm truly curious what you think about this. I promise not to criticise your choices, although I might question for better understanding. I know where I stand [and I'll tell you in detail if you wish, although all names are withheld for privacy] but I am always questioning how the rest of the world handles these things.
xiane: ([peering])
Did I do something wrong? Seriously. I get the feeling that I fucked up somehow and I don't know what I did. I just have a ... feeling, you know?

Can I atone somehow, if I've wronged you?

All comments are screened. If there's something I did wrong, please please let me know.
xiane: (Default)
[confusion always haunts me]
I don't know why. In some ways, I'm more together than many people I could name. Yet, I have no direction for many aspects of my life, and I have the nerve to be dissatisfied with things that are no worse than some might suffer. I am a walking anomaly. I don't feel old, and I'm not, really. Yet I often catch myself referring to things that happened twenty years ago as if they were a moment ago, and my mortality flashes in my mind like a lightening bolt of doom. [yes, very vividly dramatic. I can take a moment to mock my own pretensions] I'm scared, but I try to be brave. I'm confused, but I try to keep thinking on my feet. I'm lonely, but I keep reaching out.
[perhaps I'm just a fool]
Perpetual optimist, even if my world-view is a bit tarnished at this point... I don't know how NOT to keep getting up when things knock me to my knees. I wish sometimes that I COULD stop. It gets wearing, this whole looking to the bright side of things. And what's worse, people start to expect it of you, hold you to your own self-image to the point that when you *just don't want to do it anymore, just for a freakin' moment* - well, you get reviled. Hoist with your own petard, capt'n. You made this prison for yourself, and god forbid you try to break out now, fool.
[lonely is as lonely does]
So I guess this entry is rather self-serving, as most people will look at it and mutter to themselves about how I should stop whining or something, and welcome to your doom. Well, that's fine with me, as - believe it or not - I actually do write in here for myself first and foremost. So there. What I'm exploring here isn't a wallow in self-pity [although it might seem that way; read up a few lines and take appropriate action from there], but rather a search for WHY I feel this way and what can be done. I'm tired of not having fun. I'm afraid of squandering my life to bad feelings and people who take me for granted. I don't want to waste myself. You should consider this, as well: Are you wasting yourself? Do you respect what you do every day? Do you feel dragged down by your life and the things you see around you?
[why aren't you doing something about it?]

January 2016

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