xiane: ([yarn goddess])

night-768636_640

 

 

Forty nine years of life and I still have so much to learn. I am full of flaws but also the best of intentions, I swear.

My self-doubt is my biggest flaw. I have sabotaged beautiful things because I couldn’t just stop thinking I was messing up so bad that I became a self-fulfilling prophecy. And then I second guess all my interactions because of that fear that gets reinforced by the letdowns of the past.

 

No more. I can change this.

I’ve been working so hard to reprogram these thoughts to be constructive, positive – and to trust that taking action towards what I want is much more effective than talking myself out of it.

No more self-fulfilling prophecies anymore, Xiane. You’ve got this.

 

*lyrics from Mazzy Star, So Tonight That I Might See

Mirrored from xiane.dot.org.

xiane: ([yarn goddess])

insight

 

 

[Ladytron,  Destroy Everything You Touch]

So much change has happened in my life lately. Nothing much that the casual observer would see, but for me, the entire landscape of my world has been shifting. I’ve lost people from my tribe. I’ve had a prodigal return. I found something that feels beautiful and full of promise. I have been moving through disappointment with my head mostly held high – I mean, you have to mourn when you have losses, but the trick is to do that and keep moving, else you get bogged down there.

It’s easy in those moments -when you’re losing, when you’re watching another person walk away because you’re not what they wanted – to feel like it’s you, like you’re the one who ruins everything.

 

destruction

 

But LISTEN TO ME. Please?

Most of the time, you’re not. You’re not the one ruining it, it’s not ruined at all. It’s just that you weren’t the right person at the right time. You didn’t fail, you just weren’t where you were going to thrive. You haven’t run out of options. You have so many great things to come.

This is to me. This is to you, whoever you are. The world is big and confusing and exciting and dirty and magical, all at once. People are lovely and ugly and kind and mean and so very fucking HUMAN. That’s the curse and the beauty of it, you know. You don’t get one without the other.

Take a chance. Love. Live. Dance, sing, explore, dream. This is it, this is what you get – don’t waste that.

 

See, I'm still smiling. That must mean something.
See, I’m still smiling. That must mean something.

 

 

 

Mirrored from xiane.dot.org.

xiane: ([yarn goddess])

This is the dark time of the year.

Both in season – it is Winter Solstice, the longest night, the shortest day – and in mental state. The lack of light gets to me. I try really hard to keep my head up, but the relentless lack of sun makes me tired, makes me sad, makes me numb and full of every emotion all at once.

Last night I watched It’s A Wonderful Life. That was a blessing and a curse for someone like me, at this time of year. Like George Bailey, I have tried really hard to support the community around me. Sometimes it is utterly uplifting… occasionally, it is totally heartbreaking, especially when you know that you’re just spooning away at the ocean. But trying is more important to me than standing on the sidelines and not doing anything at all. And the payoff for it all is that I find that I have the best assortment of friends that a girl could ask for, in any lifetime.

 

no man is a failure

 

That’s what made me cry like a dang baby last night while watching the movie… maybe it’s my hormones, maybe it’s that now that I’m older I truly understand the messages in the movie. Who knows. All I know is that when everyone brings in their savings to help George, I know that moment. I have been the recipient in that moment, and I have helped to facilitate that moment for others. It is the time and space where it hits home the most what it is to have Community, to have people who truly have your back and will help you when you are falling.

My most sincere wish is to be able to give those moments to others who need them most. I get so frustrated by humans, our way of putting blinders on to shield out the parts of the world we are afraid of or don’t agree with or are unable to connect with – but I can’t live without us and our moments of shining compassion, heartfelt humor, and tender connection either. I would rather foster the good moments as much as possible.

We only get one trip on this planet. I want mine to have meant something, somehow, to someone. I want to know that if I had not been here, things would have been worse, not better. And I want to leave here with my heart and head filled with all the amazing moments that reaching out has brought me.

Welcome back, Sun. Please bring me more compassion, more hope, more energy, more love. Please bring those things to us all.

 

Mirrored from xiane dot org.

January 2016

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