xiane: ([yarn goddess])
2016-01-16 11:44 pm

when the rooftops shone dark all alone saw a spark

2015-12-26 14.23.43

 

 

“Smart impresses me, strength of character impresses me. But most of all, I am impressed by kindness. Kindness, I think, comes from learning hard lessons well, from falling and picking yourself up. It comes from surviving failure and loss. It implies an understanding of the human condition, forgives its many flaws and quirks. When I see that in someone, it fills me with admiration.”
-Lisa Unger, Beautiful Lies

 

Lately, I’ve been letting go of things that went before. At the river, I cast them off, to tumble downstream and away to new adventures, new people, new lives. New, without me, because I can’t move ahead carrying those things either. I felt a lightness spread across me as they slipped away, a warmth that didn’t fit the weather of that early December afternoon.

I am looking to new, beautiful things to fill my heart and life. It’s a joyful process.

 

Symbolically releasing those weights – the people, the events, the outgrown dreams and ideas – is therapeutic. Going to nature to do it gives me a beautiful moment immediately with which to start the process of filling those empty places.

I am rebuilding the girl into something stronger. Better. Happier.

Every day.

 

Mirrored from xiane.dot.org.

xiane: ([yarn goddess])
2016-01-11 01:48 am

Let me hold you tight and arms tight and arms you lost your chance/Come so close that I might see th

night-768636_640

 

 

Forty nine years of life and I still have so much to learn. I am full of flaws but also the best of intentions, I swear.

My self-doubt is my biggest flaw. I have sabotaged beautiful things because I couldn’t just stop thinking I was messing up so bad that I became a self-fulfilling prophecy. And then I second guess all my interactions because of that fear that gets reinforced by the letdowns of the past.

 

No more. I can change this.

I’ve been working so hard to reprogram these thoughts to be constructive, positive – and to trust that taking action towards what I want is much more effective than talking myself out of it.

No more self-fulfilling prophecies anymore, Xiane. You’ve got this.

 

*lyrics from Mazzy Star, So Tonight That I Might See

Mirrored from xiane.dot.org.

xiane: ([yarn goddess])
2016-01-01 07:56 pm

Feels like something that I’ve done before…

I could fake it, but I still want more…

2016 word

 

The Word of the Year tradition is one that I haven’t really done before – I’ve always appreciated the idea, and thought about it, but I had my own ways of ushering in changes… but you know what? New year, new directions, and new traditions all go hand in hand, so I’m on the bandwagon.

Fulfilled is the word that I chose, after much deep thought on the subject and the direction I wanted.

I’ve spent a lot of time investing in other people, in helping them find their happiness. This year, I hope to move forward in finding some of my own, as well.

Not that it’s been unhappy across the board, but 2015 was pretty crap. That stopped as of last night.

Fulfillment lies ahead.

 

 

[lyrics: Massive Attack, Dissolved Girl]

Mirrored from xiane.dot.org.

xiane: ([yarn goddess])
2015-12-28 12:38 am

All those winter words, I want us to forget them

nerves of terra wm

 

Today is my 49th birthday.

I don’t feel like I should be having birthday #49.

I feel much younger; the years don’t feel like they’re piled that high. I’m grateful for that. I’m grateful for the changes and the knowledge and the trials and the love and the pain and the laughter. All those things have contributed to what I’ve learned and the new paths I’m taking.

Life is scary, and hard.

Life is exhilarating, and beautiful.

Every treasured face that has stayed on my road with me, and every new face that I’m still learning… thank you for being here. Thank you to those who have moved on, you taught me so much.

See, that’s the biggest gift that birthdays bring: lessons. A way to mark what you’ve learned, how you’ve grown over time. People sometimes ask me if I got what I wanted for my birthday, and the answer is always. I always get exactly what I wanted, as long as I’m not afraid to look deeply within to find that gift inside me.

2015 was very, very tough. But even now, in the depths of winter [even though winter this year so far is more like spring, where I am!] there is the promise of what will come… the chance to bloom.

 

 

 

*if you ever saw my band The Violet Dawning perform, you might have seen me sing this, a capella, perhaps as an encore. It is a song that has meant the world to me for so, so many years. I hope it speaks to you.

Mirrored from xiane.dot.org.

xiane: ([yarn goddess])
2015-12-15 12:50 pm

If you sense this you’d better look around you, think it out too

I’m pouring from the heart tonight.

Yes, I know… I always write from the heart, from my personal stories. But this one is really close to home, and it’s a thing that has really been bothering me.

I think that one of the saddest things that can happen in life and love is when you let someone into your heart, and they come in and enjoy that space and what you have to give… but when it becomes obvious that they are now in a position to do the same, the fear [of past hurts returning, of being vulnerable, of losing themselves in someone else] shuts them down, and they withdraw.

No one wins from this. Everyone’s left lonely and sad. Fear wins, love loses, and all those quiet whispers that tell us how unworthy we are, how no one will love us, how we deserve to be alone… those gather strength. Self-fulfilling prophecies, for some of us.

The second half of this year has been filled with these instances, for me. I keep dating people who are afraid. They don’t necessarily reveal that in the beginning, or even consciously know it. What it comes down to is that they’ve been hurt before – by the world, by a love, by their family. Someone they trusted, someone they wanted to trust. And that hurt has made them afraid to be vulnerable again.

That’s all well and good, the drive to protect oneself. I get it.
But the problem is that if you withdraw from every situation where you feel a possibility of getting hurt, of having to open yourself up, how will you ever truly stop being alone? It’s obvious that these people don’t want to be alone. They wouldn’t reach out if that wasn’t the case. But as soon as that possibility becomes real, the reality scares them and they shut down.
Then they go on to do it again.
And again.

Things won’t change if you don’t let them. This applies to every single thing in life.

You can’t keep doing the same thing and expect different results.

And you have to be vulnerable in order to allow love in.

EVERY GOOD THING IN LIFE REQUIRES YOU TO SAY YES.

It doesn’t have to be with me. [though there’s been a few cases where I really wish it had been. Heavy hearted, but risk is part of life.] But if not with me, choose someone – carefully, yes, but CHOOSE. Choose to live.
Have the cake.
Then go for a walk.
Go on the date.
Try the scary thing.
Travel to the country where you don’t speak the language.
Talk to the stranger.
Laugh out loud.

Just go do it. Life is too short to be scared, y’all.

Things you said and the ways you lied
made me read the writing and see the signs
The clock is ticking in your inward mind
soon the flower fades and you’ve lost the time

Mirrored from xiane.dot.org.

xiane: ([yarn goddess])
2015-08-17 09:18 pm

It’s out of our hands, the dream we’re bound to dream

poetry

 

[post title: lyrics from Acid, Bitter and Sad by This Mortal Coil]

 

I will not compel you
to take the steps towards me
it is not my place
to convince you to reach out
you will have to find words
that show me what you’re wanting
we can share the dreaming
but only side by side.
I have waited lifetimes
but time is growing shorter
perhaps i am just destined
to walk this dream alone.

[081715]

 

 

Photo Unsplash on Pixabay. https://pixabay.com/en/night-stars-milky-way-cosmos-768636/
Photo Unsplash on Pixabay. https://pixabay.com/en/night-stars-milky-way-cosmos-768636/

 

I’m beginning to wonder if there’s just something really wrong with me, after all.

I don’t know how to be different.

Mirrored from xiane.dot.org.

xiane: ([yarn goddess])
2015-08-16 02:55 pm

Just a perfect day/You made me forget myself

insight

 

[lyrics from Perfect Day by Lou Reed]

 

I try to be upbeat. I really do. Most of the time, I am up, so it’s easy enough.

I don’t like to drag people down. I like to lift them up, too.

 

But it’s hard when the times are darker and I need someone to confide to. No one wants to hear about your low points, even if they usually tell you to “share all of you!” and “you can tell me everything!” and “it’s safe, you’re safe with me!” and “I understand, I’ve been there too.” Those, the last ones – they’re the trickiest, because they understand but then they often get scared or resentful or cautious or something – afraid they’ll get pulled back in. And they’re often the first to say “share, be truthful” and the first to say “you’re depressing me.”

And then I feel sad AND guilty.

 

flawed

 

Best not to tell anyone anything, I swear. Just the happy face forever, even if it’s bullshit.

…no, that’s not happening. I am 100% myself, truthful, honest about what I’m feeling and how I’m dealing with it. If that’s not okay, get out now. If that’s too much to deal with, then maybe I’m not worth being around for you. If I have to hide my truth in order to be your friend or lover or be in you company… well, that just ain’t gonna work for me. I will be there through high and low for you, I deserve the same. I’m a complete person, not just the happy-go-lucky parts.

 

Mirrored from xiane.dot.org.

xiane: ([yarn goddess])
2015-08-12 12:14 pm
Entry tags:

Breaking me, shaking me, awake now – I’m up now

xiane

 

 

I’m waking up.

I haven’t felt this alive in a while. I want this feeling.

 

I saw this, unattributed, on Facebook yesterday, and it fully summed up my attitude about things that have gone down of late:

If my absence doesn’t affect your life than my presence has no meaning in it.

 

I want people who will work hard to keep me around. [I have some amazing friends who fit this bill and are probably more than I deserve.] I want people who miss me when I’m not there and won’t just replace me with other people, video games, alcohol, etc.  I want those who are enthusiastic about me, in good times and bad. Otherwise, what’s the point?

And most importantly, I want someone who will let me lean against them as much as they want to lean against me. I want the hug to be deep and reciprocal. If there’s more, I want that to be as captivating and exciting for both of us as possible. One-sided doesn’t work. Let us meet in the middle and strengthen each other.

Mirrored from xiane.dot.org.

xiane: ([yarn goddess])
2015-08-10 09:55 pm

You only have to look behind you/At who’s undermined you

insight

 

 

[Ladytron,  Destroy Everything You Touch]

So much change has happened in my life lately. Nothing much that the casual observer would see, but for me, the entire landscape of my world has been shifting. I’ve lost people from my tribe. I’ve had a prodigal return. I found something that feels beautiful and full of promise. I have been moving through disappointment with my head mostly held high – I mean, you have to mourn when you have losses, but the trick is to do that and keep moving, else you get bogged down there.

It’s easy in those moments -when you’re losing, when you’re watching another person walk away because you’re not what they wanted – to feel like it’s you, like you’re the one who ruins everything.

 

destruction

 

But LISTEN TO ME. Please?

Most of the time, you’re not. You’re not the one ruining it, it’s not ruined at all. It’s just that you weren’t the right person at the right time. You didn’t fail, you just weren’t where you were going to thrive. You haven’t run out of options. You have so many great things to come.

This is to me. This is to you, whoever you are. The world is big and confusing and exciting and dirty and magical, all at once. People are lovely and ugly and kind and mean and so very fucking HUMAN. That’s the curse and the beauty of it, you know. You don’t get one without the other.

Take a chance. Love. Live. Dance, sing, explore, dream. This is it, this is what you get – don’t waste that.

 

See, I'm still smiling. That must mean something.
See, I’m still smiling. That must mean something.

 

 

 

Mirrored from xiane.dot.org.

xiane: ([yarn goddess])
2015-07-11 11:15 pm

And I was told that your eyes would shine a light up into space

 

insight

 

You know nothing, you know nothing at all
How could you know, you’ll never know anything at all

SWANS – You Know Nothing

 

You had a chance to know me. I stand here, open hearted and ready to be by your side in every part of life, if only you wanted it.

 

You became a ghost.

You chose another who will never choose you.

You got scared and ran away.

You dismissed me because I don’t fit a preconceived mold of what you think you want.

You just weren’t paying attention.

You took me for granted, because you thought I’d always be there.

 

artsy-f

 

I am bigger than that. You cannot break me. You cannot extinguish the light in my eyes, the small light in the darkness that is me, just because you were too blind to see it. You have nothing in your hands that you can offer me, because you missed what was right in front of you.

And I will keep moving forward until I find those who DO see me, and I will be happy. May you find happiness as well, even as you move away from the galaxy in which I reside.

Soon I’ll see your light like a pinprick in the sky, like the other stars that I see when I look up at night. I’ll wave at you as you pass overhead.

Hello, star that I used to know. Goodbye.

 

Mirrored from xiane.dot.org.

xiane: ([yarn goddess])
2015-06-18 11:01 pm
Entry tags:

Yet, as ivy groweth green and never changes, Even evil cannot turn us into strangers

insight

 

 

 

A large part of life is taken up with the Struggle.

That’s neither good nor bad: it just is. That’s how life rolls. On the good days, everything is pretty amazing. [even when it’s just okay and everyday… I’m still pretty enthused by it all, I really am.]

On the bad days, I try really hard to not let it get to me. Even though it doesn’t seem like it sometimes to the people around me, I swear I am trying.

Thing is – and this is one of the things that keeps me going – I know I’m not the only one who goes through this. I can’t say that everyone does, but I have evidence [testimonials] that tell me that I’m not alone here. And that, my friends, helps immensely. I also have people who do wonderful things like talking me through the bad times, too.

Lately, I’ve needed more support than usual. It’s been rough over here in Xiane-land, with a pile of various trials happening at once. That hardest part, honestly, has been dealing with some blows to my self-esteem, which when paired with stress and feeling down, really managed to work me over. I am so, so grateful to my friends, who tried so hard to lift me back up and encourage me to believe in myself.

 

Things I discovered this week: that I have spent so little time caring for myself lately that I couldn’t even name what my favorite food is. Like – I can tell you a bunch of styles of things that I like, but I couldn’t name a single dish.

I need to invest in myself more.

I need to speak up [out] more.

I need to say no. And yes. When appropriate. With gusto.

And I need to insist that people who want the good parts of me give me access to their good parts, too. Because all too often I give more than I’m given in return, and it’s not right nor fair. I deserve better, and that’s only going to change if I put my foot down. Because I can’t trust people who get those things and aren’t reciprocating to respect the idea of giving from the heart.

 

And I have a LOT of heart. The right people should be getting access. [and giving it too]

 

green growing

 

 

 

Mirrored from xiane.dot.org.

xiane: ([yarn goddess])
2015-06-10 10:27 pm

Do I know what life could be? I know what I’ve seen

insight

 

They offer things that sound so good, too good to be true.

Those things: they are. It’s a lie. It’s a bait and switch. It’s preying on dreams and hopes and trust and honesty.

Promises almost kept
Everything that you once said
Seems to be just a lie

I am a vital woman, full of life and love and energy and creativity and excitement. I deserve better than lies and broken promises and runarounds and bullshit. So I’m not tolerating it. You? You shouldn’t either.

It’s all about setting a higher standard, because we deserve better than what a segment of the world will offer if allowed. I’m not here to fulfill a fantasy or an urge or a quota. I’m not here to entertain you. I’m not here to make you feel good, or give your life meaning.

I mean, I might serve those purposes in your life, but that’s coincidental. It’s not why I’m here. And it’s not why you’re here, either. It’s all about being awesome on your own, so that we can share and enhance each others’ lives without pretense and greediness and expectations – because we can trust that we’re all interested in being as good to those we care about as we are to ourselves.

And if you aren’t interested in being as good to me as you are to yourself? Well, then I don’t wanna. Let’s just not.

This is a face that wants you to be honest and true.
This is a face that wants you to be honest and true.

 

 

Let’s be excellent to each other, shall we? The payoff is AMAZING.

 

Underneath the veil
I saw a stirring
Underneath the veil

 

 

Mirrored from xiane.dot.org.

xiane: ([yarn goddess])
2012-01-27 03:02 am
Entry tags:

It’s not a joke, it’s cards on the table time

This was inspired by a sideline thought I had during a conversation about communication with my friend Shawn. It was a good conversation. This navel-gazing didn’t belong there, so here it is. Heh.

I am so fucking torn, ALL the time. I constantly doubt myself.

Yeah, I’m talking about me like a self-absorbed thing… but the ironic thing is that every single fucking time I post something anywhere, I worry about it. Will it be taken the right way, did I say it right, who will get insulted if they disagree, who will have some smart-ass comment when I’m being thoughtful… I am stuck between this place of trying to be a smart, informed, caring person who is honest to the best of her ability, and being someone who is scared that she’ll be exposed as a fraud, someone who can be torn down easily, someone weak and not informed and definitely not smart.

We get all the conflicting messages:
You should believe in yourself.
You shouldn’t be so cocky.
You should be confident in your opinions and share them with the world.
You should shut up, because you have no idea what you’re talking about.
You should love yourself. You are amazing.
You should get over yourself, you’re nothing special.
You understand so much!
You don’t know shit!
You will be happy if you choose to be.
You are sad because you chose to be so.
People treat you the way you allow them to treat you.
You aren’t nice enough/you are too nice.

And so many of these cross-signals come from well-meaning sources! Friends who want to “make sure your ego doesn’t get too big,” and inspirational speakers who either build you up to impossible heights or throw all responsibility for your issues into your lap… your parents, teachers, bosses – who are “doing it for your own good” or praising you all out of proportion… well-meaning people and those who want to knock you down a peg, and sometimes those two groups are not so easy to tell apart!

Some people seem completely unfazed by all these conflicting messages, and are secure in who they are and what they do.

I am not one of them.

i don't know

I had the ability to be assertive threatened, intimidated, and beaten out of me for the longest time. I went from a smart kid who was quiet but who trusted what she’d learned and wasn’t afraid to share it, to a young woman who wavered between being self-assured and being overly assertive in order to hide her self-doubts. And then, through a combination of events, I fell into a place where I thought so little of myself that I started treating myself badly, fell between being completely quiet or aggressive with what I thought, and then… I allowed myself to get in an abusive relationship where my opinions were shut down with a fist. [this is a vast simplification of that story, but you get the drift]

It has taken a HUGE amount of effort to pull myself out of that hole. I’m still hovering around the entrance quite a bit, but I’m sure this will be a life-long work in progress, so it’s okay.

But what can be frustrating for me is trying to strike that balance – finding the sweet spot between stating my thoughts confidently, without sounding like a pompous, opinionated asshole. It’s even harder when I’m in the middle of some debate about a subject of which I am both passionate and well-informed.

It’s always the well-informed that gets me, y’all. I read a LOT. I try to vet the things I post about, especially if I’m not quite sure, or if there’s wiggle room in interpretation. I really enjoy researching and forming a logical, well-constructed statement. I try not to post if I’m unsure, unless I state plainly that I’m unsure but this is what I think.

And then I sit there and shake internally. I wait for the dissection, the criticism, the assertion that I’m too full of myself or a smart-ass or not actually informed or a jerk… whatever the thing is that I fear the most at that moment, because I dared to have an opinion. And people, of course, capitalize on that if they can, so I try to hide it and probably look even more pompous or whatever.

It’s a catch-22. “Stand before the people you fear and speak your mind — even if your voice shakes.”* But probably be thought to be a bloviating asshole if you speak up.

I do speak up more often than not, now. I hope I don’t sound like an arrogant know-it-all.

* another funny quote from Maggie Kuhn – “Learning and sex until rigor mortis.” Hell yeah, Maggie.

Mirrored from xiane dot org.

xiane: ([yarn goddess])
2012-01-19 04:27 pm
Entry tags:

I don’t mind if you forget me

Morrissey ALWAYS has the right words for any situation.

So now you send me your hardened ‘regards’
When once you’d send me ‘Love’
Sincerely I must tell you
Your mild ‘best wishes’
They make me suspicious

It’s been a year. One year – actually a bit more than a year, but a year in living apart – of rebuilding a life, and waiting out the time until I can legally break the ties that bind.

This was a huge thing for me. I waited until I was 39 to get married. There was a promise there that had been given, something that was supposed to go well beyond what all the others had been willing to give me. Promises turn to lies. Vows turn to betrayal. It isn’t supposed to be this way. Almost every man I’ve cared about has betrayed me. It isn’t supposed to be this way.

You can only be strong for so long
It may not eat you but it will beat you
So this is why I tell you
I really don’t understand
This time

I’m pretty sure I have a handle on why people are unfaithful. I know there are a variety of reasons, and I’ve encountered a couple of variants in my dating life. It’s a HUGE reason why I waited so long to make the biggest commitment – too many times betrayed… Even though it’s the commitment I longed for more than anything. I wanted security, safety, something I could count on. But words mean nothing without action to support them. And vows are useless if one does not uphold them.

Divorce! Hey, who needs furniture anyway? When I made the decision to leave, it was not an easy one. Ironically, it was the same motivator as the previous relationship that made me decide to leave – an ongoing ability to regain trust in my partner, after being betrayed. I am nothing if not stupidly faithful, and I tried – oh, I tried! – to believe in my partners; it’s all I wanted, to be able to trust again, to feel good about showering them with my unbridled loving.

At 45 years of age, I’m still scarred and scared. I try my best to create my own happiness, but there is a part of me that will always be looking for that love that comes from outside myself. I know it and recognize it and acknowledge that because of this, there will always be the threat of being hurt and betrayed.

However…

I refuse to let the mistakes and indiscretions of others rule my life. I reject the idea that I should just give up on love because we’re all flawed – because we can help to patch, mend, and fill in the cracks and flaws on each other, and I don’t want to lose that. I won’t hide my big heart away just because love is too often taken for granted. These things will not break me. They have not and they will not.

And I don’t mind if you forget me – because if you do, you’re not for me, and I’m not for you.

[funny aside - I did indeed lose most of my furniture in the break-up. However, this was a GOOD thing, which is why I was so amused by the illustration!]

Mirrored from xiane dot org.

xiane: ([yarn goddess])
2012-01-02 08:03 pm

Take away the structures and the boundlessness remains

…Freedom has no bounds.

I surround myself with people because I feel alone.

Nevertheless, I am always alone, inside my head.
I have *always* felt alone.

I grew up as an only child, as you might know from previous discussions. I was also awkward and geeky and had a too-big vocabulary with no understanding of when not to use it. That made me a pretty lonely kid. It wasn’t until high school that I finally “got it” as far as socialization goes, and I made some other friends – folks, for the most part, like me in various ways.

I went from there to the Hardcore Punk scene of mid-eighties Baltimore, where I found both kindred souls and a lack of judgement when I did not necessarily mesh with some of the internal groups. No wonder that I felt that I’d found home. No one cared if I was wordy or read – many punk bands were heavily influenced by literature or politics or alternative lifestyles or spiritual practices. [see the Philly band referenced, Ruin]

Still… no matter how hard I tried, I was always alone in the end. People go home, they go to sleep, they move on, they grow up, they die. All these things. And these are normal things, and they happen to us all – both the events and the being alone. But it ate at me. It still eats at me.

I submerged myself into bad, abusive relationships to fill that hollowness. I held onto “friends” that I should have let move on. I tried everything I could to keep loneliness from gnawing away at my insides. I didn’t realize that my inability to deal with the feelings is directly related to my depression, and one enhances the other. Once I groked that piece of info, I understood the hole inside – although that didn’t hasten in any way my ability to get rid of that feeling.

Juxtaposed our solitude
formed into community
always seek out others
because you fear to be alone

Of course, of course I love you
won’t you take me from myself?
Society and boundaries
are products of our weakness
Take away the structures
and the boundlessness remains

Freedom has no bounds*

We have no reason to need each other. We have every reason in the world to need each other.

What I’ve done to help fill this void is become VERY good at befriending people – good people, interesting people, creative people, fun people. Not perfect people, of course, but perfect for different aspects of my life. The Internet really helped with this; first chatrooms, then IRC – now Twitter and Facebook and Livejournal, various communities… and it’s moved into meatspace, with craft shows and Convergences and Pagan Pride Day and many other events.

I treasure every one of my friends, even if we’ve not met face-to-face.

we like cool shoes

But here’s what’s important: despite the fact that my emptiness will probably ALWAYS remain, simply because it is a product of my depression… I am whole in myself. I ache for others to be around me, and I am often lonely even when they are there, but I have learned to like myself and appreciate my own company. I am the most free when I am alone.

But if I feel that I am always alone, then I am always free.

*lyrics from “Freedom Has No Bounds” by Ruin

Mirrored from xiane dot org.

xiane: ([yarn goddess])
2011-12-27 03:35 pm

You’re jealous again/No, she’s just a friend

One of the most difficult things to unlearn after experiencing betrayal in one’s life: jealousy. I hate even admitting to it.
Jealousy means second-guessing innocent statements. Or am I?

Jealousy means feeling like I’m paranoid, and being told that I am being paranoid, which does nothing to assuage that feeling.

Jealousy means worrying that I’m not paying enough attention.
Jealousy also means feeling like I’m paying TOO much attention.

Jealousy means hurting the people who love you, even though you try so hard not to feel this way.

jealousy

This is a curse given to me by people that I previously put my trust in. I trusted them to be true to me in all things, and they failed me. I trusted them to tell me if things changed, but they wanted me AND everything else, too, so they kept me in the dark. I trusted them to be honest, and they lied. I trusted them to respect me, and they not only failed at that, but they failed at respecting themselves as well.

I’ve learned a lot from those experiences. That is one positive thing that I can take away from them. But I wish I hadn’t been left with the gnawing feeling that something might be conspiring to hurt me.

There are no guarantees in life.
I can only control what I do.
I know this.

Now, if only my heart would listen.

Mirrored from xiane dot org.

xiane: ([yarn goddess])
2011-12-09 12:35 am
Entry tags:

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.

When the nights are long, and my room is dark
when the sadness threatens to take over my heart
when the silence is deafening, and I am so tired…

your existence gives me hope.

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xiane: (Default)
2010-03-01 11:51 am

quick hits & one-hit wonders

I’m alive, even though the status of my blog has been questionable at best. Moving it? Yep. It’s coming. I’ve already moved the Threeravens blog/site – this one is next on the list. Keep tuned for updates on how that’s going.

I’ve been sleeping in totally weird bursts of time. It makes me feel disjointed.

Mostly, I’ve been in a self-imposed social blackout, for regrouping and mental health reasons. I’m shuffling back into regular rotation now, never fear.

And one quick hit –

From this amazingly accurate post on Depression and what it does:

Chronic depression is a cancer of the personality. It eats your personality and replaces you with itself; the more you experience intense depression in others, the more you realize that The Depressed Person is always some variant of the same personality; whereas healthy people are infinitely diverse, The Depressed Person is always recognizable. Depression is insidious, so that your loved ones may not realize that you are being slowly erased and replaced by something that is not you.

I recommend reading the whole post, from http://ewin.livejournal.com/1332469.html.

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xiane: (Default)
2009-10-16 04:26 am
Entry tags:

subjective pics of misled youth

Nice face I'm making there.

Nice face I'm making there.


Did I have fun, back then? I think I did from time to time, although I was consumed with trying to establish who I truly was. I did stupid things, things that I’m lucky to have lived through. I spent too much time in dirty alleys, decrepit houses, squats… I was reckless because that’s when I felt most alive. I didn’t know then what I know now about me [and the world] – I knew I was depressed, but not to the extent. I spent weeks lying in a room, listening to Bauhaus over and over, before I started getting really reckless, taking ridiculous risks… what finally got me up and moving was the challenge to find ways to kickstart life into an “exciting” place.

Sometimes I feel a million years’ worth of distance between the girl that I was, and the woman that I am now. I can look at the photos and see the me that was, but it’s as if I’m looking through a curtain of fog. Then again, there are so many nights that I can’t remember from that time, that it’s hardly surprising that I feel that way!

People who didn’t know me then usually can’t believe that the stories that I tell have anything to do with the me that they know now. People who knew me then often express surprise that I’m where I am. Xiane the enigma, whoop-dee-doo.

I have no idea what I’m trying to say here. I’ve just been lost in thought after stumbling on the above photo in my photos folder. It is always insightful for me to think about how far I’ve come.

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2009-08-14 03:46 am

“They don’t realise you hide your sadness beneath a painted smile”

lyric from In The Wake Of Adversity, Dead Can Dance

How does one find a therapist? That’s my question of late, since I’ve never had need of one. I’m going to see Dr. Naz in the morning, and I’ll be asking her, but really… I’m at a loss. Obviously something more needs to be done, because my issues, my little stupid annoying debilitating isolating painful problem, isn’t getting better.

I’ll report back what I find out from the Good Doc, and elaborate more afterward.

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