xiane: ([yarn goddess])

I’m pouring from the heart tonight.

Yes, I know… I always write from the heart, from my personal stories. But this one is really close to home, and it’s a thing that has really been bothering me.

I think that one of the saddest things that can happen in life and love is when you let someone into your heart, and they come in and enjoy that space and what you have to give… but when it becomes obvious that they are now in a position to do the same, the fear [of past hurts returning, of being vulnerable, of losing themselves in someone else] shuts them down, and they withdraw.

No one wins from this. Everyone’s left lonely and sad. Fear wins, love loses, and all those quiet whispers that tell us how unworthy we are, how no one will love us, how we deserve to be alone… those gather strength. Self-fulfilling prophecies, for some of us.

The second half of this year has been filled with these instances, for me. I keep dating people who are afraid. They don’t necessarily reveal that in the beginning, or even consciously know it. What it comes down to is that they’ve been hurt before – by the world, by a love, by their family. Someone they trusted, someone they wanted to trust. And that hurt has made them afraid to be vulnerable again.

That’s all well and good, the drive to protect oneself. I get it.
But the problem is that if you withdraw from every situation where you feel a possibility of getting hurt, of having to open yourself up, how will you ever truly stop being alone? It’s obvious that these people don’t want to be alone. They wouldn’t reach out if that wasn’t the case. But as soon as that possibility becomes real, the reality scares them and they shut down.
Then they go on to do it again.
And again.

Things won’t change if you don’t let them. This applies to every single thing in life.

You can’t keep doing the same thing and expect different results.

And you have to be vulnerable in order to allow love in.

EVERY GOOD THING IN LIFE REQUIRES YOU TO SAY YES.

It doesn’t have to be with me. [though there’s been a few cases where I really wish it had been. Heavy hearted, but risk is part of life.] But if not with me, choose someone – carefully, yes, but CHOOSE. Choose to live.
Have the cake.
Then go for a walk.
Go on the date.
Try the scary thing.
Travel to the country where you don’t speak the language.
Talk to the stranger.
Laugh out loud.

Just go do it. Life is too short to be scared, y’all.

Things you said and the ways you lied
made me read the writing and see the signs
The clock is ticking in your inward mind
soon the flower fades and you’ve lost the time

Mirrored from xiane.dot.org.

xiane: ([yarn goddess])

insight

 

[lyrics from Perfect Day by Lou Reed]

 

I try to be upbeat. I really do. Most of the time, I am up, so it’s easy enough.

I don’t like to drag people down. I like to lift them up, too.

 

But it’s hard when the times are darker and I need someone to confide to. No one wants to hear about your low points, even if they usually tell you to “share all of you!” and “you can tell me everything!” and “it’s safe, you’re safe with me!” and “I understand, I’ve been there too.” Those, the last ones – they’re the trickiest, because they understand but then they often get scared or resentful or cautious or something – afraid they’ll get pulled back in. And they’re often the first to say “share, be truthful” and the first to say “you’re depressing me.”

And then I feel sad AND guilty.

 

flawed

 

Best not to tell anyone anything, I swear. Just the happy face forever, even if it’s bullshit.

…no, that’s not happening. I am 100% myself, truthful, honest about what I’m feeling and how I’m dealing with it. If that’s not okay, get out now. If that’s too much to deal with, then maybe I’m not worth being around for you. If I have to hide my truth in order to be your friend or lover or be in you company… well, that just ain’t gonna work for me. I will be there through high and low for you, I deserve the same. I’m a complete person, not just the happy-go-lucky parts.

 

Mirrored from xiane.dot.org.

xiane: ([yarn goddess])

insight

 

 

[Ladytron,  Destroy Everything You Touch]

So much change has happened in my life lately. Nothing much that the casual observer would see, but for me, the entire landscape of my world has been shifting. I’ve lost people from my tribe. I’ve had a prodigal return. I found something that feels beautiful and full of promise. I have been moving through disappointment with my head mostly held high – I mean, you have to mourn when you have losses, but the trick is to do that and keep moving, else you get bogged down there.

It’s easy in those moments -when you’re losing, when you’re watching another person walk away because you’re not what they wanted – to feel like it’s you, like you’re the one who ruins everything.

 

destruction

 

But LISTEN TO ME. Please?

Most of the time, you’re not. You’re not the one ruining it, it’s not ruined at all. It’s just that you weren’t the right person at the right time. You didn’t fail, you just weren’t where you were going to thrive. You haven’t run out of options. You have so many great things to come.

This is to me. This is to you, whoever you are. The world is big and confusing and exciting and dirty and magical, all at once. People are lovely and ugly and kind and mean and so very fucking HUMAN. That’s the curse and the beauty of it, you know. You don’t get one without the other.

Take a chance. Love. Live. Dance, sing, explore, dream. This is it, this is what you get – don’t waste that.

 

See, I'm still smiling. That must mean something.
See, I’m still smiling. That must mean something.

 

 

 

Mirrored from xiane.dot.org.

xiane: ([yarn goddess])

 

insight

 

 

everything is too hard right now. i have no ambition, no joy, no desire to get up and move around and engage with life.

i’m tired of fighting, of struggling, of pushing against the idea that doing what my heart directs me to do will keep me forevermore poor and needy. i’m tired of every year being an onerous stretch of disappointment and struggle. this is the Modern World, and i’ve lost all my spirit.

 

 

so this is what it’s become

i am so fucking done

 

i can’t talk to pretty much anyone. everyone wants or needs that fake face, the look of “of course i have everything together and nothing’s wrong” because having issues means that you’re making it more difficult for the rest of the world, who is also struggling. i get it, i do. i know that no one wants more on their plate to worry about. and i don’t want it on my plate that i’ve worried them. stalemate. i’ll keep quiet. and no, no one’s said that i should shut up. but i’m not a kid, i know how the world works. no one wants to hear my whining, everyone else has it hard, too.

 

and then there’s that worry that i’m making it “all about me.” 

because humans are intrinsically selfish

because i’m an only child with no kids so of course i make it all about myself

because i’m a fucking crybaby 

because my only options seem to be bleed for everyone else or be an egomaniac

because my brainweasels lie and i have no sense of proportion anymore

 

i am broken, broken, broken. something must break, and that something is me.

 

broken

Mirrored from xiane.dot.org.

January 2016

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