xiane: (Default)

And she is not good or bad
Oh, but she wants all she could have
Your soul’s familiar call
This is it… I am and
It’s not like me

[Claire Voyant - not like me]

My silence is equal to my lack of passion. I am adrift in a sea of “I don’t care” and “I’m too tired” and “It doesn’t matter” - but it does matter and I do care, I’m just too tired and pained to admit it or do anything about it.

Depression is embarrassing. It’s humiliating to admit that I don’t have the drive to finish anything, that all I do seems to be sit around on my ass and think of nothing, or dream wistfully about the things I’d like to be accomplishing, if only I had the passion, the energy, the stamina, the will.

And people look at me and see a “healthy” person, which I can’t blame them for - and they wonder why I can’t just shake this off and get to doing… obviously it should be that easy. Just make yourself motivate, Xi.

It isn’t. I wish it was.

BEIJING, CHINA - FEBRUARY 2:   A man views dre...
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I went to NYC recently. For most of the time I was there, I was energized, more than I have been in ages. I came home full of hope, ideas, thoughts.
I know that living here takes away some of that zest for life… no sidewalks, no bustling creative energies, no ever-changing wall of humanity to observe. I barely even have friends here. And of course, I’ve been becoming more isolated again, but that’s a side effect of the depression, too, that need to cut myself off from everything. It hurts me to be open like that - physically hurts. That stupid Cymbalta commercial about depression hurting? I really wish it wasn’t true. I get an ache inside, like someone was slowly squeezing my heart and lungs. My bones ache. I feel weak and ineffective.

What’s worse is that I hate hate hate talking about it, admitting it, telling people just what’s going on and how I feel. Like I said, it’s embarrassing… and I know that so many people discount these feelings. I understand it, and I wish I didn’t sound so whiny and weak. But I guess the only other options would be to either fake that everything is fine, or stop talking again. And I am tired of not communicating. I know that hurts my friends and family, too… and there’s enough hurt going on already without that.

And you might tell me the truth
And I might be reminded of you
In everything I see and that I feel
You might be…

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xiane: (Default)

It’s my life, don’t you forget… *

Guess where we are? ;) It was a day out. [A day in!] Rob and I decided that we needed an adventure, so we wandered to NoDa and wandered around for a while… we had a quick and light meal at Cabo’s Fish Tacos [they have lots of other stuff too, and a great atmosphere!] and then went to the Boulevard Gallery for a quick gander… then of course wound up at Amelie’s French Bakery. I’m writing this entry from there while sipping on some excellent coffee and recovering from the chocolate mousse cup pictured above. Seriously… a 24/7 bakery? Sign me up. I love this place.

We also managed to just miss a TORNADO that hit Cleveland County on our way out… wow. Hopefully our apartment will still be there on our return. *meep*
The weather’s been steady-on rainy, Springtime-a-riffic lately, and my freshly seeded balcony garden seems appreciative. I already have some mesclun mix seeds a-sproutin’ and my small herb plants look healthy and happy. I love being a gardener, and I’m really hoping that I do well this year, so that we can add the veggies of my labour into our meals.

To add a little depth to this post, I have been both riddled with Deep Thoughts about my direction in life, and driven with the desire to fine tune some slacker aspects of day to day existence. I will elaborate more as I firm up plans, but let’s just say that there will be more cooking at home and Xiane care-taking to come. It’s something that I’ve been neglecting severely, and I deserve better! I’m the only Xiane that I’ve got, after all.

Have you made new plans for your future lately? Anything that you’ve been wanting to improve in your life? I’d love to hear all about it!
*thank you, Talk Talk!

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January 2016

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