xiane: ([yarn goddess])
[personal profile] xiane

insight

 

I am not an angry woman.

I hate conflict. I am not avoidant, exactly, but I will work hard to make sure that things don’t escalate to a point where drama ensues. I have anxiety issues, I know this – I have a strong urge to please people and make things smooth running and pleasant. As soon as people-related stress starts to escalate, I can feel the anxiety build.

I rarely get so frustrated that I actually achieve anger.  And anger for me is swift and hot and then over, like a spectacular flame that burns out in one big burst. Usually afterwards, I feel like crying for hours. Yay for that. I can’t even manage a good, righteous angry without having guilt after the fact.

It’s funny – one of the reasons that I knew that I had to get off my depression meds was because I was having bouts of irrational anger. I know myself well enough to have caught that side effect pretty rapidly, and I was hating how I felt every time it happened, because it’s so foreign to me.

The weird thing is that I felt like that again this week. I think it’s the first time I’ve felt flashes of anger for  more than a moment in a long, long time. I hate the feeling… the hot surge, the adrenaline, the tightening all over my body as the feeling rushes through me.

…at least I’m feeling something, I suppose. For a good while, I didn’t feel anything.

Now, I think, I feel everything. Maybe too much, sometimes.

 

Mirrored from xiane.dot.org.

January 2016

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